Who knew?

Who knew on this day you would be born for me?

Who knew the distance of 7,000 miles would not keep you apart from me?

Who knew 20 years after my first breath, you would take my breath away from me?

Who knew the one man my father didn’t want for me would be the one that truly cared for me?

Who knew that when he was sick, you’d love him even more than me?

Who knew that when my mother was alone, you’d open our home so she can be close to me?

Who knew this light you carry would be a guidance for me?

Who knew your smile would be a melting point for me?

Who knew your touch would be a freezing point for me?

Who knew your voice would soften every nerve within me?

Who knew you were destined for me?

No one knew except the One who had written you for me and I thank Him so deeply.

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Surviving Marriage

 

Love is a verb.

 

I had the blessing to meet a wise and profound teacher this past Ramadan. She gave a beautiful talk on “Surviving Marriage.” With her permission, I present to my lovely readers notes from that talk. I apologize if they seem confusing at all or incomplete. She spoke perfectly. I typed imperfectly. Enjoy!

“Marriage is a new opportunity, an elevator and a door to bring you closer to your Lord. Take advantage of it.”

SURVIVING MARRIAGE TIPS:

1. Do not erase all boundaries between you. Remember to retain the most delicate whisper of formality. It will help you to continue to interact with respect (since he is a separate human being to you)….YOU set the tone from the beginning of marriage.

2. Remember, when he is selfish, obnoxious or harsh, that Allah placed him in your care, to love, to forgive and to care for. Remember, all the times he was loving, forgiving, or caring for you, especially important to remember when he is acting in a way outside of norm).

We have a tendency as women to forget the good things people do for us…

We as women don’t allow different kinds of love from our men…paying the bills, getting you gas, changing your tires…those are his flowers to you.

Quotable quote: “Cut up the paid electricity bills into a bouquet, put them in a vase, and imagine them as flowers for you from your husband.”

3. Do you have the gift of reading in between the lines? Then you must know that angry outbursts mean “I miss you, I feel neglected and ignored.” Respond to what is meant, not what is said. Reassure him.

Majority of time these outbursts are because women are not sexually available to their husbands.

***Remember that intimacy is an act of worship in Islam. A woman has a built-in ability to receive attentiveness. A man does not and rejection can shatter his self-esteem and lead him to wrong. Therefore, in Islam a woman is responding and responsive.

*Sexual rejection for men hurts them so much and in such a way that they can’t relate it to us.

Haram acts in Islam…avoid completely:
**Pornography is not accepted for any reason. It needs to be addressed and taken care of immediately.

**Oral sex is not permissible.

**Anal sex is not permissible.

4. Remember when you have an argument or fight, that Allah asked you to say what is best, not what is fair, nor what is right.

Words can be said in a certain way, state, and tone. Be mindful of these things.

FIGURE YOUR HUSBAND OUT as best as you can and how to “manage” him accordingly.

5. For a successful marriage, quickly develop one of the most essential ingredients:  a sense of humor. It will save your sanity and diffuse explosive situations. Learn to laugh at yourself. Think of your issues as part of a sitcom to help deal with them.

6. Remember that the ambience of the home may not be your duty, but it is strictly within your power and control. Make it angel-friendly. Clean, pick up, perfume it and light your house up with Quran. A house that has angels in it, is a house that is peaceful. Remember that Angel Jibreel would only
descend in Aisha’s house, which was known for exquisite cleanliness.

7. Remember to keep his faults from your family, you can forgive and forget, but they may not.

8. Do not take time, attention or money that rightfully belongs to his family away from them. It will have no barakah in it if you do. If you are lucky, you will feel close and loving to them. If it is a struggle, you get more reward. Never begrudge him, the time he spends with them.

A man who is loyal to his first family is a man you can trust with his second family.

If it’s a struggle you get rewarded more. (In this life, in the next, or what goes around comes around).

-if he is good to his mother, he will be good to you. You want him to be loyal to his family.

9. Remember that every relationship including this one is a triangle, with Allah at the top. If you obey your husband, it is Allah that you are obeying. If he lashes out at you, perhaps it is a message from Allah for something you did, unrelated to him.

10. Remember he is incomplete and unhappy without your admiration and inner praise of him. He needs you to look up to him, to believe in his ability to do things, to remind him of all the good that he is and does.

11. Remember when he seems to be the answer to all your prayers and dreams and more….he was actually sent to you to be loved, but only Allah is to be attached to. Remember in your happiest moments to feel gratitude to Allah.

12. Remember to be gentle, patient, understanding, motherly on the inside and playful on the outside. If he matters too much to you, he will be capable of hurting you. If Allah matters more to you, then all your husband’s faults will run off your skin like water off a glossy leaf.

Most importantly, remember to be yourself!

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Just the Two of Us

SORRY FOR THE DELAY, FOLKS. THIS IS FOR MY LOVELY READERS WHO KEEP WANTING AND ASKING FOR MORE. MAY ALLAH PUT PEACE AND BLESSINGS IN ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS AMEEN. KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING. I APPRECIATE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT. ENJOY!

Before kids, married life is well…married life.

After kids, married life becomes a thing of the past?

No, not really.

The dynamic of marriage definitely does change after having kids, but it shouldn’t be put on the back burner.

So many couples become detached and distant once they become parents unfortunately. Why is that?

What happens is that so much energy gets put into the children and their betterment that the husband and wife forget how they started off:  just the two of them. The marriage sadly gets forgotten. Kids become the priority and the couple’s needs are left in the dark or neglected as a whole.

That should not be the case. Some way or another, the couple needs to keep their relationship first and striving and fresh. Here’s a few pointers:

1. Before the baby comes, discuss your expectations for your relationship with your spouse. Develop the understanding that although alone time will be limited, it will NOT be eliminated. Regardless of how tired or exhausted you are, you must make time for one another and that includes intimacy!

2. Take a break from parenting at least once or twice a month. Leave the baby/kids with family or trusted friends and have a date night. You don’t even have to go anywhere (although that would be refreshing and a nice change of scenery from the dirty diapers and endless array of toys). Just make an effort to be alone and reconnect.

3. Stay on the same page with your spouse when it comes to parenting and disciplining the kids. Always discuss with one another before making a decision for the little ones. (This is also a way kids can’t take advantage of one particular parent over the other).

4. Find other activities to do besides being with the kids. This is related to the first two points but I am directing it more to maintaining one’s individuality. This can even apply to marriage before kids. Continue to do things YOU like to do and not just what your spouse or kids want to do. Give time to yourself by reading, working out, going out with your friends/family, or whatever else you like to do on your own.

5. Share the load. Know that one parent can’t handle all the work so divide up the tasks and give each other a hand with the kids, chores, and errands.

6. Find the romance. Make an effort to keep relighting the spark even after kids. Maintain the freshness in your relationship by doing simple things to show your spouse “You are my world”.

7. Kids won’t fix your marriage. If you are having trouble in your marriage prior to kids, don’t have kids to resolve your issues. They will only add more issues to your marriage. Solidify your relationship first and don’t use kids to solve your problems.

8. A healthy, happy marriage means healthy, happy kids. Set an example for your rugrats by maintaining a great relationship with one another. If the marriage is in tact, so will the household be. (Also, avoid arguing in front of the kids even if it’s just a small “heated discussion”).

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Healthy in Love

People talk about being “crazy in love” but do you ever hear of someone feeling “healthy in love?” No, probably not very often.

When I say “healthy”, I’m talking about the outcome of a healthy relationship.

I’ve heard people tell me that happiness does not last long in marriage. Or I’ve also been told that you can’t be happy always in marriage. This is quite disturbing. What is “happiness” exactly and why aren’t people finding it with their spouse?

This is where the healthy aspect comes into play. If a couple has a healthy relationship, happiness comes naturally for them. It is the simple things that count, moments and opportunities not being passed up, and priorities being straight. Why is everyone always wanting to get the most of their partner? Why not want to just give and not expect anything back? If both partners did that, then there would be a lot of peace in the marriage.

Think of it like this:  if your marriage is healthy, you will be too. All other aspects of your life center around your marriage whether you want them to or not. If you get into a fight, your day is ruined or your night and your sleep. However, if you’re feeling healthy from your marriage, you can concentrate on other things such as work, hobbies, friends, family, spirituality, etc. If marriage sucks for you, most likely other things in your life will too.

I’m not going to tell you to always be happy in your marriage or with your spouse. Some days are tough. Since no one can be happy every moment of the day…at least find happiness in every day with your hubby. Start noticing the little things that are good instead of everything that bothers you. It is great for your health to feel love for your spouse as much as possible. You feel better, look better, and enjoy life more. Be healthy in love, because love definitely has an affect on your health.

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Jumpstart Your Wife’s MoJo

I think I’ve been giving the wives too many tips. Now it’s time to help the husbands out there.

This is not going to be a male-bashing post. Instead this will help your wife fall more in love with you. Just follow these few simple tips.

1. Steal a look:  At a gathering or an event where you are seated separately, let her catch you staring at her. When she notices, give her an inviting smile or pucker your lips like you are sending a kiss her way. This is sure to make her giggle or give her a tingle somewhere.

2. A single rose:  It’s Tuesday. Surprise her with a flower for no apparent reason.

3. The last bite: The next time you have a meal together, offer to share a plate with her instead of eating from separate plates. Then make sure you let her have the last bite and feed it to her yourself. She will find it to be the yummiest bite of them all.

4. Squeaky clean: Help out around the house. Anything you can do like vaccuum, load/unload the dishwasher, broom, clean the toilets, take the trash out. Whatever it is, she will love you for it. She might even get turned on by you doing housework. 😉

5. Dress to impress: Show her that you like to get dressed up for just her…not just for work or for social gatherings. Wear something you know she likes to see you in and let her know it’s just for her.

6. Note it: Send her an email or write her a card randomly just sharing your feelings about her. Be creative and leave notes for her to find throughout the day. Words are a great form of expressing your undying love for her.

7. Mini-getaway: Plan a short getaway and book a hotel in advance. Take a half day from work and have her meet you there. Arrange a lunch or picnic indoors. You can even decorate the room with petals and candles. If need ,find a sitter for the kids in advance.

8. Present-ing a gift: Who said money can’t buy love?! Even if it’s something small, make it sentimental or creative and present it to her in a sweet way.

9. Sweet nothings: Compliment her out of the blue. Let her know that you still find her the most beautiful woman in the world.

10. Break time: Give her some well-deserved time out. Arrange a massage, facial, or just a day/night out for her without you and the kids. Give her some well-deserved space, and she will come running back into your arms.

11. Make contact: Grab a hold of her hand or give her a hug randomly. Small kisses here and there go a long way as well. Go ahead and steal a kiss when she least expects it and make it passionate.

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Make Time

I have discussed the concept of time in marriage quite often before.

I can’t seem to emphasize it enough. How is a couple supposed to grow together if they don’t spend any time together?

We have to make time for one another.

Take time into your own hands.

 

No one is going to make time for us. Everyone has it tough. We all have exhausting days, same old routines, the everyday taking the best and most out of us.

But what if we don’t make it to tomorrow? Why do we let the days just pass on by without even appreciating our time with our spouse or our families? That’s so sad.

If things seem too blah is it our hubbies or is it us? I know I’ve asked that question before so what’s the answer?

Find someone to watch the kids and plan a nice outing with your man. If you don’t got time to do that then take advantage of the hour or two together after the kids have gone to bed.

Make time for one another. Make time to look at each other. Make time to hold his hand. Make time to kiss him like you mean it. Make time to hold him tight. Make time to make love. Make time to enjoy being married.

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She’s Got the Look

If looks could kill, women would be locked up for sure.

We have this amazing talent, and we don’t even use it to our advantage.

There are many reasons why both men and women are asked to lower our gazes. Everything can happen with just one look. The eyes lead straight into the heart. The images our eyes pick up get read by our brains but get carried into our hearts.

So why don’t we use the beauty of our eyes to our advantage? The one person you should be wowing and wooing with your eyes over and over again is your hubby.

If our eyes are windows into our hearts, then we need to open them up and let our hubbies in.

You have the power to give your man a certain look and make him melt in an instant. Unfortunately, often times the look can be deadly when we are upset about something and instead of melting, the hubby will just run for cover.

No, I am talking about the welcoming look. The look of love. Bedroom eyes. Whatever the heck you want to call it.

As time passes and we fall into the routine of our mundane lives, we forget to even really look at one another. In a marriage eye contact is crucial. Take a minute to just stare into your man’s eyes. Stop him in his tracks. Really look at him! Come on. He can’t be that bad. You did marry the man!

You should be the coolness of your hubby’s eyes. He should find peace and comfort when he looks at you. So make yourself pleasing to look at, and he should do the same for you. Instead of trying to find time to talk or go out, how about finding time to just stare at each other? It seems cheesy, but try it.

Love should be at every site with your spouse, not just the first site.

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The Blame Game

Playing the Blame Game in a marriage is very useless and dangerous.

One issue Baba Longbeard and I have never been able to resolve is who has the harder day. He says he did. I say I did. We happen to both be right.

However, regardless of how difficult or stressful my day is, it is not his fault. How could it be? He wasn’t there. He was out competing to have just as hard of a day if not harder.

You see it’s very easy to point fingers and say “You did this to me!”

But in reality how is that possible? If you choose to be home with the kids….wait…let me rephrase that….if you have the blessing to raise your kids then learn to enjoy that time with them. A stay-sane-must is to manage your time properly throughout the day. By keeping you and your kids on some kind of schedule, you will be able to handle the day-to-day better. It’s when we don’t know what to do with our time and our kids that we start going nuts.

When hubby walks in through the door at the end of the day almost deflated, the last thing you want to do is stomp all over him and release whatever air is left in him. Instead you should inflate him with understanding, affection, and compassion. Put him in a good mood right when he gets home. Make him and yourself forget (for at least the time being) how the day sucked and just enjoy each other’s company. Offer him a snack, a back rub, give him some time to catch his breath. Trust me he will appreciate it and you so much more and will do his best to return the sweetness. 

Even if your day was crummy and draining, make the most of the remaining of your day by welcoming the hubby with open arms. You set the tone of the atmosphere in your home. If you are happy, he will be too. 

Find other outlets to relieve your daily stresses instead of blaming your spouse for your problems. Take ownership of your choices, your decisions, and your life. Stop using your hubby or your marriage as an excuse not to take care of yourself and your needs. I’ve said it before, by making yourself a priority, you will have a better YOU to present to your family. If you want to continue your career along with running a house and family, then learn to balance it all. Whatever you decide to focus on whether it be your family, the house, furthering your education, do it right and do it well without blaming others (especially your man) for your shortcomings. A happy wife makes a happy life.

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Homecoming Part 2

One of my pet peeves is if Baba Longbeard walks into the house at the end of the day talking on his cell phone. Sometimes he ends up driving around a little longer to finish his conversations, because he knows it gets to me. 

That’s fine. He can be a little late as long as he is fully “there” when he comes home. 

I also prefer he leaves his work stress and issues at the door.  He can’t bring those frustrations in the house unless it’s affecting the family directly.

He didn’t magically figure out these things that bother me.  I obviously had to let him know (nicely of course).

What’s the reasoning behind such requests?  It’s simple.  I want to feel like I matter when Baba Longbeard comes home to me.

Shouldn’t I return that same feeling to him then?  Wouldn’t he want the same thing?  Wouldn’t he want to feel like he matters to me and the kids when he walks into the house?

He is out of the house all day giving his all to provide for us and keep a comfortable life for us alhumdullilah. When he comes in, he should feel super important.  The husband.  The father.  The man.

The kids should rush to the door to greet their father.  You should race with them and show them he’s just as important to you.  You should look presentable and smell welcoming.  He should feel “at home” and at peace when he gets in the house. He should want to come home to his family.  Your mood should be pleasant. 

If he leaves his workstress at the door, you should push your daily stresses aside as well when you see him.  It’s not his fault you had a hard day.  It’s ok if he didn’t pick up the milk on the way home.  He forgot.  It doesn’t mean he did it to piss you off or to spite you.  Enjoy the few hours you have together at the end of the day. 

Life is too short.  Be grateful you’re the someone he gets to come home to and make yourself worth being that someone he wants to come home to.

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Homecoming Part 1

I’ve touched upon this subject before, but I wanted to talk about it more in detail.

It’s an issue that I feel is disregarded or not given enough importance.  I don’t why that is.  I’m going to present a scenario that we all might be able to relate to.   I want you to comment on it if you can relate or see yourself ever acting like this.  Also share some of your thoughts with me.  Then I will present my thoughts and resolutions in a following post later in the week.

Exaggerated Scenario (let’s hope so):

Your husband calls you to let you know he is leaving work and on his way home.  You give him a few things to pick up on his way home and hang up abruptly because the kids are going crazy in the background.

You know how long his commute is and you think to yourself No problem. I’ve got time.   You continue to carry on with your normal routine.

Suddenly, it’s half an hour later and you are surprised to here the garage door open or the key rattling in the front door.  Already?  That was fast you think.  You still continue to carry on with your normal routine.

In walks the Mr. exhausted and drained from a long, stressful day earning for his family.  The house is a mess as usual and he finds some space to put his belongings down.  He announces himself in some manner.  No response.

He walks through the house in search of some sign of life.  He finds his first born sitting on the computer in the den doing his thing.  “Hey, Son. How was your day?”

The kid looks up for a brief second to say “Aight” and continues playing his video game online.

Oh good.  He at least noticed me thinks Daddy Dearest.

The Mr. heads over to the family room where his little girl is sitting watching TV.  “Hey, Sweety.  Daddy’s home.”

No response.   “Honey, Daddy’s here.”  His little girl doesn’t even blink.

Let’s see how the Mrs. is doing he thinks.

And there you are working hard in the kitchen.  “Hey how are you?” he asks.

“Did you bring the milk and eggs?” you ask without turning around to look at him holding the baby with one arm and stirring with the other hand.

“Oh shoot. I was talking to my buddy Adam on the drive home. I totally forgot.  I’ll run out in a bit to get…”

“You what?!”  Now you turn around to look at your beloved wearing your frumpy shirt and sweatpants from last night, hair all raggedy, smelling like fried onions and baby spit up.  “How could you forget?!” you scream.

He doesn’t know what to react to first.  Your words or your look.  So he stands speechless.

“I hardly ask you to do much and you can’t even do that!” you manage to get louder.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to forget.  I’ll run out right now then.” 

“Forget it now.  It’s dinnertime.  Go afterwards.”  You give him a hard stare and hand him “his baby” forcefully to get things set up for the meal.

You scream for the older kids to come eat.  They semi-acknowledge their father, make a plate, and take the grub back to the computer and TV.

The rest of the evening carries out in similar manners.  During the meal, most of your attention is towards feeding the baby.  But you still manage to relay how awful and stressful your day was and how you are so overwhelmed and complain to your husband that he does nothing for you guys. 

To top things off he doesn’t comment on the food.  He must have not liked it you think and you are more pissed now.

After dinner, he runs out to fetch the milk and eggs while you are left to clean up and put the food and dishes away.  You are more upset.  You don’t even bother asking the kids for help.  They have to get ready for bed.  You order them to get upstairs.

When the Mr. comes back, the downstairs is empty and the kids are already in bed and he didn’t get to say good night to them or spend any quality time with them.

He puts the grocery in the fridge and meets you in your bedroom.  You are in bed reading a book.  You know he is in the room but you don’t care to look at him or say anything.  You are still pissed at him.

He notices your mood and doesn’t say anything.  He changes and comes to bed.  You put your book away and get under the covers.  Lucky for you, you didn’t have to change for bed.  You were already wearing your comfy extra large stinky pj’s all day.  You lie with your back facing towards him.

He knows your upset but he decides to reconcile and fix the issue before going to bed.  He approaches you lovingly and asks you if you are still mad trying to make some type of physical contact with you.

You know what his intention is and keep brushing him off.  He better not even think about touching me you think.  After a lot of attitude and avoiding too much eye contact, almost no physical contact and talking like you are irritated because he should know how you feel, you tell him you are very tired and just want to go to sleep.  You turn back over and quickly fake to fall asleep.

Not only lights out but the fire is put out too….

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