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Archive for January, 2010

We are about to head out of the house.

I look over to Baba Longbeard.

“Can you pass me my socks?  They are right behind you on the floor.”

He turns around and takes a look at them.  I can tell he is grossed out.  He grabs them with his toes and kicks them over to me.  Then he does a body shake to “release” any possible germs that might have jumped on him from my socks.

“They are not dirty!  I wore them for like 5 minutes.  How do you think I react whenever I pick up your definitely foul socks everyday from every room in the house??!!!”

Baba Longbeard laughs and avoids the question.

So typical for him to find something gross about me which I overlook about him all the time.

That’s just the thing though. 

Guys prefer a girl that is…well…a girl.  Can you believe it?  Shocking!  I know.

So what does that mean for us?  Well regardless whether we want to be girly or not, our men prefer us that way.  I’m not saying all the time we have to be dressed to impress or act completely feminine but some things we can avoid all together.

1. Don’t intentionally fart in front of your man.  Eww…what’s wrong with you?

2. Don’t engulf your food and eat like a cow.

3. Don’t burp the alphabet.

4. Don’t use the bathroom in front of him. There is a door and a lock for a reason!

5. Don’t scratch yourself indecently.

6. Please do not pick your nose in search of treasure in front of him.

7. Remove the eye crusties privately before you look at him in the morning.

8. Wear deodorant and perfume.

9. Wash your hair.

10. Walk like a lady.  Woah woah woah.

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Alright.  We are going in…into the bedroom.

Take a look around.  What’s in there?  You can’t even tell because it’s so messy!

Yikes!

Well then what should a bedroom be?

It shouldn’t be a garbage dump or a toy chest.  It shouldn’t be crowded or full of clutter.  It shouldn’t be reeking of foul smells.

The bedroom should be a sactuary.  It should be welcoming and inviting, relaxing and comfortable, full of sweet scents and warm colors.  It should have a slightly feminine touch with soft fabrics, fresh aromatherapy, and a floral influence.

There should be a sense of peace and tranquility in the room.  Don’t hold back from buying nice beautiful linens and comforters for your bed.  Use scented candles and oil-dipped incense.  Arrange pillows for extra cushioning and put up meaningful wall-hangings as daily reminders of the love that exists in your room.

Ok, enough with the sappiness.  Here’s the real deal.  Aside from all the wonderful things I’ve listed above, the one thing I can definitely tell you NOT to have in your bedroom is a TV. 

You want to end your day with each other, not some strangers on the tube.  If the kids fall asleep early, you can actually take some time to talk and catch up on your day or have some peace and quiet. 

The TV is a big distraction that can be avoided in a marriage and especially in the bedroom.  It should not be how your husband “unwinds.”  YOU should be his method of unwinding.  Make the evening pleasant for him as well the home and the bedroom.  And to all a good night! 

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Ooo this is a tough topic to talk about.  It rubs all us ladies the wrong way.  Hehehe.

Why is that though?  Why do we all have issues when our men want some time to themselves?  They must really want to get away from us and/or the kids huh?  No!  That’s definitely not it.

In my last blog, I talked about the need to make time for yourselves.  It is a key way to stay sane.  Well there you have it.  Why is it a double standard then when our men want the same thing?

I know what you’re thinking.  If you both work, then you are just as tired as him.  You want to make the most of whatever time you two do have.  So that you can always be together outside of work.  Or if you are a homemaker and been home taking care of the house and kids all day and he tells you he has plans of his own….how dare he!  “Doesn’t he know what I’ve gone through all day?!”  Well do you know what he’s beein through all day?  He’s been working his tush off all day making sure you can have the luxury to stay home and spend time with the kiddies.

Did you forget that you had fallen in love with Mr. Got-It-Going-On?  He was the man when you met him.  After marriage, he barely has time to go back to all those things you loved about him:  how involved he was in the community, how athletic he was, how out-going he was, yada yada yada.

So why has he become Mr. Got-Nothing-Going-On now ever since you came in the picture?  Look a little time away never hurt anyone.  It will only make you appreciate it each other more.  There is a lot of compromise and sacrifice involved in marriage, but as I said before, we shouldn’t forget who we are or who we were.

If you are insecure that your husband has other things to do, that’s not his fault.  You should be the same way.  At least once a week or every other week, each of you should have an evening or afternoon to do your own thing.  If your husband gives you advance notice of his plans, then you should have enough time to find something nice for yourself to do as well.  Waiting around at home for him is not going to help your mood or your time. 

Get a life and let your hubby have one too!

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There are many reasons he fell in love with you.

You stood out of the crowd, you had it going on, you were involved in this, you were doing that, you were the bomb diggity!  (Does anyone even say that anymore?)

So now who are you?  Sometimes you look at yourself at you wonder who you’ve become.  You put yourself last on your list of priorities or maybe you don’t even have yourself on the list. 

You have sacrificed so much after marriage and if you have kids then you’ve sacrificed so much more.  I will discuss the importance of sacrifice in marriage in a future post, but for today let’s just talk about you.

There is a fine line between sacrificing your needs for your family and then sacrificing who you are.  Those should not be confused with each other.

I have talked about before how important it is to have to put your relationship with your husband before your relationship with your kids. 

Yes, he will accept all your changes and who you have become now.  But just like you fell in love with Mr. Got-It-Going-On and want to always see him in that light, he wants the same.

Over time, physical changes and circumstances do come and finding time for ourselves is very hard.  But you need to find it!

I’m not talking about being selfish or leaving your hubby and kids to spend a day at the spa or a weekend out of town with your girlfriends.  I’m simply talking about prioritizing yourself.

Take the time to do your hair, dress your best, moisturize your skin and lips, find a hobby, take some exercise or academic or anything of interest class nearby, do your nails, give yourself a facial, read a book, take 10 minutes longer in the shower, invite a friend over for lunch or out to lunch, join a club or organization, volunteer somewhere, you get the idea.

If you remove a few moments in your day for yourself, you’ll be a better YOU to present to your hubby and kids and others.  Before marriage you were so independent doing this and that and now you barely have time to brush your teeth.  (That’s very gross by the way).  But when you take care of yourself, you will naturally show your hubby you care for him too.  I mean you are Mrs. Got-It-Going-On aren’t you?

By feeling better about yourself and who you are, you are setting a great example for your kids, not to mention it will keep you sane.  With life’s daily stresses and tests, we can get very overwhelmed.  Therefore, it is a necessity to put youself first on your list of priorities. 

Love yourself first.

I can’t put it simpler than that.

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Baba Longbeard didn’t come home with flowers today. 😦 He also didn’t buy me anything nice. 😦 Oh and he also left right after dinner to hang out with his boys. 😦 Sounds like a recipe for disaster huh?

Let me start over.

Today Baba Longbeard stayed out in the freezing cold after coming home from a long day at work to shovel the bazillion inches of snow off our driveway. 🙂 Despite the fact that he had been up since 5:30 am, he also spent quality time with his parents and mine. 🙂 Oh and yesterday he parked my car right at the top end of the driveway so I can get into it easily when I went out to chill with my friends. 🙂

Now THAT is a recipe for looooovvvvveeeee.

You see, love actually is an action more than a feeling, especially for men. They show it by giving love and doing loving things. It’s all in how we perceive it.

The first recipe of Baba Longbeard behaviors was my expectations and what not.  The second recipe was reality.  You can either set yourself up for disappointment or appreciate what you do have.

As women, we constantly need our men to reconfirm to us that they love us and how much they love us.  From influences of the media, comparisons of others and our own insecurities, we have over the top notions of how they should love us.  But we then overlook all the ways that they do and are loving us. 

Again I will emphasize the bad idea of trying to change our men into the men we want them to be.  Trust me when I say it’s easier to just appreciate them for who they are…that IS who you married!

Just like you’re not greeting him with a bouquet of flowers, a candlelight dinner or a hot new outfit everyday, he doesn’t need to go all out either.  It’s such a double standard.  We can be SO needy!

Start noticing all the little things your husband does for you and your family.  Did he scrape the ice off your windshield this morning when it was below zero out there?  Did he call you from work for no apparent reason today except to hear your lovely voice?  Did he put the blanket on you while you were still sleeping when he left for work?  Did he wake up in the middle of the night to put the baby back to sleep without waking you up? Or wait, is he out there everyday slaying dragons so you can have the luxury to stay home to raise the kids?

Not only are you the woman he chose to have kids with but the woman he trusts and wholeheartedly believes can raise the kids right and properly.  What an honor!

All these things translate to “I Love You So Much You Don’t Even Know.”  Open up your eyes and heart and give him back the love he deserves and has earned!

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As a follow-up to the Family Card post, I want to continue the topic of bringing other family members into your marriage.

The best advice I can give you is to not talk about your spouse behind his back.  This is the man you chose to love, marry, sleep with, is the father of your children and your partner for life.  You share everything with him.

It is not only a sin but betrayal of your commitment to him. 

I don’t know why women enjoy male-bashing sessions with their friends, neighbors, family members, or strangers.  It is not right.  If you put your hubby down in front of others or behind his back, what respect will be left for him? 

If you really have issues with him, then discuss them in a civilized mature manner with him.  Why do you have to bring outsiders into your marriage?  How are they going to resolve your issues?  They aren’t.  They are only going to make matters worse.

And I tell people the last person you should go to with your marital problems is your mom.  Yes, that’s right.  Do not go to your mother to complain about your husband.  She will not be able to fix your troubles.  Instead it’s going to build resentment in her heart towards your husband, who you as a wife can forgive more easily.  She is your mother.  Of course she is going to take your side.  If you maintain a level of respect in your mother and father’s eyes for your husband, you will always naturally respect him too.

Just like yesterday I advised you not to talk about your family members to your husband, don’t do the same about your hubby to your familia.

Oh and definitely don’t talk about your husband to your kids in a negative manner.  His image as a father should not be waivered in any way by your relationship with him as a husband.  It’s mentally not fair to the children and morally not right to do to your husband.  Always keep the bonds in tact.  It’s in your hands.

Today’s assignment is simple. 

Do not ever talk behind your husband’s back or complain about him to anyone.  Period.  Be grateful that someone loves you as much as he does.

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A natural result of leaving your parents home when you get married is appreciating them much much more.  Suddenly you realize how great they are and you miss them all the time.  It doesn’t matter what your relationship with them was like before or if you hardly spent any time with them before your marriage.  It becomes important for them to still be a part of your life after marriage.  For those who end up moving far away from their parents, it is even harder.

Nowadays, we joke that guys have a “rukhsati” as well as girls from their homes.  There are few scenarios where men continue to live with their parents and make their wife a member of the joint family.  However, most of us choose to live on our own these days.

In-laws are a beautiful bonus that comes with marriage.  No seriously.  I’m not being sarcastic.  Why did you just laugh?  So this is what I want to discuss today.  The family card.

The topic of dealing with in-laws will be covered in numerous upcoming blogs.  There is no way I can talk about everything in one post.   Nevertheless, what I want to focus on is how you can handle your relationship with your spouse when the topic of family comes up between you two.

I mentioned in a previous blog that if you married a mama’s boy there is nothing wrong with that.  Generally speaking, women are more attached to their sons than their daughters.  I don’t know what it is.  Especially in our parents’ generation, those mothers are obsessed with their sons.  But let’s just think about it for a minute.  This woman (your mom-in-law) carried your husband in her womb, gave birth to him (i’m sure it was even more difficult back then), then raised him into the man that you fell in love with and married. 

Now let’s say your husband is 26 years old when you marry him.  So for 26 years he was taken care of by his mother (and father too).  Just like your parents raised you and took care of you for 20 something years before you got married.

Here you come now suddenly the center of his universe taking most if not all of his love, time and attention.  That’s a big change!  After marriage why do women get upset if their husbands miss their mommies or want to spend time with them?  Does it make him less of a man?  No.  This shows that he values his role as a son and knows that he is supposed to be good to his mother.  Heaven lies at her feet remember???

So let me give you a scenario.  Let’s say your hubby and you are arguing about something.  In the middle of the argument you bust out with the family card and say something negative about his parents.  You just added unnecessary fuel to the fire! 

Let’s turn the tables here.  What if your husband says to you something like, “You are just like your mother always bossing people around!”  Eek.  He just pushed the wrong button.  Why did he have to go there?

He shouldn’t have and neither should you.  Make a pact with your hubby to never bust out with the family card in or out of an argument.  It is not right or relevant or fair.  You have no control as to how your family acts or behaves.  Just like you wouldn’t want your spouse to judge you based on your family’s issues, he wants the same.  If his mom is controlling, don’t blame him.  It’s not his fault.  No one wants to hear negative things about their family members even they are true.

So here’s what I would like you to work on now.

Make sure that you do not complain about your family members especially your parents to your spouse.  This is super important when you are first looking into each other for marriage or during your engagement.  Those negative traits that you share will stick in your spouse’s mind forever and that’s how he will always perceive them.  Also, don’t hate on your hubby for something his family member said or did.  Do let him know something is bothering you but don’t blame him and try to use the right words when you talk about his family.  If you respect his family, he will respect yours too. 🙂

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