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Archive for the ‘mother’ Category

As a follow-up to the Family Card post, I want to continue the topic of bringing other family members into your marriage.

The best advice I can give you is to not talk about your spouse behind his back.  This is the man you chose to love, marry, sleep with, is the father of your children and your partner for life.  You share everything with him.

It is not only a sin but betrayal of your commitment to him. 

I don’t know why women enjoy male-bashing sessions with their friends, neighbors, family members, or strangers.  It is not right.  If you put your hubby down in front of others or behind his back, what respect will be left for him? 

If you really have issues with him, then discuss them in a civilized mature manner with him.  Why do you have to bring outsiders into your marriage?  How are they going to resolve your issues?  They aren’t.  They are only going to make matters worse.

And I tell people the last person you should go to with your marital problems is your mom.  Yes, that’s right.  Do not go to your mother to complain about your husband.  She will not be able to fix your troubles.  Instead it’s going to build resentment in her heart towards your husband, who you as a wife can forgive more easily.  She is your mother.  Of course she is going to take your side.  If you maintain a level of respect in your mother and father’s eyes for your husband, you will always naturally respect him too.

Just like yesterday I advised you not to talk about your family members to your husband, don’t do the same about your hubby to your familia.

Oh and definitely don’t talk about your husband to your kids in a negative manner.  His image as a father should not be waivered in any way by your relationship with him as a husband.  It’s mentally not fair to the children and morally not right to do to your husband.  Always keep the bonds in tact.  It’s in your hands.

Today’s assignment is simple. 

Do not ever talk behind your husband’s back or complain about him to anyone.  Period.  Be grateful that someone loves you as much as he does.

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A natural result of leaving your parents home when you get married is appreciating them much much more.  Suddenly you realize how great they are and you miss them all the time.  It doesn’t matter what your relationship with them was like before or if you hardly spent any time with them before your marriage.  It becomes important for them to still be a part of your life after marriage.  For those who end up moving far away from their parents, it is even harder.

Nowadays, we joke that guys have a “rukhsati” as well as girls from their homes.  There are few scenarios where men continue to live with their parents and make their wife a member of the joint family.  However, most of us choose to live on our own these days.

In-laws are a beautiful bonus that comes with marriage.  No seriously.  I’m not being sarcastic.  Why did you just laugh?  So this is what I want to discuss today.  The family card.

The topic of dealing with in-laws will be covered in numerous upcoming blogs.  There is no way I can talk about everything in one post.   Nevertheless, what I want to focus on is how you can handle your relationship with your spouse when the topic of family comes up between you two.

I mentioned in a previous blog that if you married a mama’s boy there is nothing wrong with that.  Generally speaking, women are more attached to their sons than their daughters.  I don’t know what it is.  Especially in our parents’ generation, those mothers are obsessed with their sons.  But let’s just think about it for a minute.  This woman (your mom-in-law) carried your husband in her womb, gave birth to him (i’m sure it was even more difficult back then), then raised him into the man that you fell in love with and married. 

Now let’s say your husband is 26 years old when you marry him.  So for 26 years he was taken care of by his mother (and father too).  Just like your parents raised you and took care of you for 20 something years before you got married.

Here you come now suddenly the center of his universe taking most if not all of his love, time and attention.  That’s a big change!  After marriage why do women get upset if their husbands miss their mommies or want to spend time with them?  Does it make him less of a man?  No.  This shows that he values his role as a son and knows that he is supposed to be good to his mother.  Heaven lies at her feet remember???

So let me give you a scenario.  Let’s say your hubby and you are arguing about something.  In the middle of the argument you bust out with the family card and say something negative about his parents.  You just added unnecessary fuel to the fire! 

Let’s turn the tables here.  What if your husband says to you something like, “You are just like your mother always bossing people around!”  Eek.  He just pushed the wrong button.  Why did he have to go there?

He shouldn’t have and neither should you.  Make a pact with your hubby to never bust out with the family card in or out of an argument.  It is not right or relevant or fair.  You have no control as to how your family acts or behaves.  Just like you wouldn’t want your spouse to judge you based on your family’s issues, he wants the same.  If his mom is controlling, don’t blame him.  It’s not his fault.  No one wants to hear negative things about their family members even they are true.

So here’s what I would like you to work on now.

Make sure that you do not complain about your family members especially your parents to your spouse.  This is super important when you are first looking into each other for marriage or during your engagement.  Those negative traits that you share will stick in your spouse’s mind forever and that’s how he will always perceive them.  Also, don’t hate on your hubby for something his family member said or did.  Do let him know something is bothering you but don’t blame him and try to use the right words when you talk about his family.  If you respect his family, he will respect yours too. 🙂

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