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Archive for March, 2010

One of my pet peeves is if Baba Longbeard walks into the house at the end of the day talking on his cell phone. Sometimes he ends up driving around a little longer to finish his conversations, because he knows it gets to me. 

That’s fine. He can be a little late as long as he is fully “there” when he comes home. 

I also prefer he leaves his work stress and issues at the door.  He can’t bring those frustrations in the house unless it’s affecting the family directly.

He didn’t magically figure out these things that bother me.  I obviously had to let him know (nicely of course).

What’s the reasoning behind such requests?  It’s simple.  I want to feel like I matter when Baba Longbeard comes home to me.

Shouldn’t I return that same feeling to him then?  Wouldn’t he want the same thing?  Wouldn’t he want to feel like he matters to me and the kids when he walks into the house?

He is out of the house all day giving his all to provide for us and keep a comfortable life for us alhumdullilah. When he comes in, he should feel super important.  The husband.  The father.  The man.

The kids should rush to the door to greet their father.  You should race with them and show them he’s just as important to you.  You should look presentable and smell welcoming.  He should feel “at home” and at peace when he gets in the house. He should want to come home to his family.  Your mood should be pleasant. 

If he leaves his workstress at the door, you should push your daily stresses aside as well when you see him.  It’s not his fault you had a hard day.  It’s ok if he didn’t pick up the milk on the way home.  He forgot.  It doesn’t mean he did it to piss you off or to spite you.  Enjoy the few hours you have together at the end of the day. 

Life is too short.  Be grateful you’re the someone he gets to come home to and make yourself worth being that someone he wants to come home to.

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I’ve touched upon this subject before, but I wanted to talk about it more in detail.

It’s an issue that I feel is disregarded or not given enough importance.  I don’t why that is.  I’m going to present a scenario that we all might be able to relate to.   I want you to comment on it if you can relate or see yourself ever acting like this.  Also share some of your thoughts with me.  Then I will present my thoughts and resolutions in a following post later in the week.

Exaggerated Scenario (let’s hope so):

Your husband calls you to let you know he is leaving work and on his way home.  You give him a few things to pick up on his way home and hang up abruptly because the kids are going crazy in the background.

You know how long his commute is and you think to yourself No problem. I’ve got time.   You continue to carry on with your normal routine.

Suddenly, it’s half an hour later and you are surprised to here the garage door open or the key rattling in the front door.  Already?  That was fast you think.  You still continue to carry on with your normal routine.

In walks the Mr. exhausted and drained from a long, stressful day earning for his family.  The house is a mess as usual and he finds some space to put his belongings down.  He announces himself in some manner.  No response.

He walks through the house in search of some sign of life.  He finds his first born sitting on the computer in the den doing his thing.  “Hey, Son. How was your day?”

The kid looks up for a brief second to say “Aight” and continues playing his video game online.

Oh good.  He at least noticed me thinks Daddy Dearest.

The Mr. heads over to the family room where his little girl is sitting watching TV.  “Hey, Sweety.  Daddy’s home.”

No response.   “Honey, Daddy’s here.”  His little girl doesn’t even blink.

Let’s see how the Mrs. is doing he thinks.

And there you are working hard in the kitchen.  “Hey how are you?” he asks.

“Did you bring the milk and eggs?” you ask without turning around to look at him holding the baby with one arm and stirring with the other hand.

“Oh shoot. I was talking to my buddy Adam on the drive home. I totally forgot.  I’ll run out in a bit to get…”

“You what?!”  Now you turn around to look at your beloved wearing your frumpy shirt and sweatpants from last night, hair all raggedy, smelling like fried onions and baby spit up.  “How could you forget?!” you scream.

He doesn’t know what to react to first.  Your words or your look.  So he stands speechless.

“I hardly ask you to do much and you can’t even do that!” you manage to get louder.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to forget.  I’ll run out right now then.” 

“Forget it now.  It’s dinnertime.  Go afterwards.”  You give him a hard stare and hand him “his baby” forcefully to get things set up for the meal.

You scream for the older kids to come eat.  They semi-acknowledge their father, make a plate, and take the grub back to the computer and TV.

The rest of the evening carries out in similar manners.  During the meal, most of your attention is towards feeding the baby.  But you still manage to relay how awful and stressful your day was and how you are so overwhelmed and complain to your husband that he does nothing for you guys. 

To top things off he doesn’t comment on the food.  He must have not liked it you think and you are more pissed now.

After dinner, he runs out to fetch the milk and eggs while you are left to clean up and put the food and dishes away.  You are more upset.  You don’t even bother asking the kids for help.  They have to get ready for bed.  You order them to get upstairs.

When the Mr. comes back, the downstairs is empty and the kids are already in bed and he didn’t get to say good night to them or spend any quality time with them.

He puts the grocery in the fridge and meets you in your bedroom.  You are in bed reading a book.  You know he is in the room but you don’t care to look at him or say anything.  You are still pissed at him.

He notices your mood and doesn’t say anything.  He changes and comes to bed.  You put your book away and get under the covers.  Lucky for you, you didn’t have to change for bed.  You were already wearing your comfy extra large stinky pj’s all day.  You lie with your back facing towards him.

He knows your upset but he decides to reconcile and fix the issue before going to bed.  He approaches you lovingly and asks you if you are still mad trying to make some type of physical contact with you.

You know what his intention is and keep brushing him off.  He better not even think about touching me you think.  After a lot of attitude and avoiding too much eye contact, almost no physical contact and talking like you are irritated because he should know how you feel, you tell him you are very tired and just want to go to sleep.  You turn back over and quickly fake to fall asleep.

Not only lights out but the fire is put out too….

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I stumbled upon a random person’s blog. She was recommending couples to treat marriage like a business contract.  She called it the “7 Year Plan.”  After 7 years, she suggested that the husband and wife reevaluate their contract and decide if they want to stay together or not.

She said maybe then individuals would work harder at their marriage and pleasing their spouses.   If you know you might be “let go”, then you would try to remember birthdays and anniversaries, do your share of work around the house, spend more time with you spouse and kids, look and dress better, and try to just focus on the good qualities of your spouse.

I felt a little sorry for this woman.  Her whole perception of marriage was stained, but she did make some good points.

If you look back at the years you have spent with your spouse, has the time flown by or have you wasted it?  What I mean is that would you take back all those moments you spent being upset, fighting, saying “no” to your spouse when he’s the most vulnerable, not looking your best, or just plain not taking advantage of your time together with him if you knew at the 7 year mark you could be “let go”?

It sounds crazy and ridiculous, since marriage is not set up like that.  However, we should spend our marriages with the attitude that life is too short.  You never know what is ahead and how much time you actually do have left with your spouse.

We tend to think that our marriage will last forever or we will live forever.  In turn, we just treat our spouses however we want and take them for granted.  This works two ways of course, because I’m sure hubbies do the same thing with their wives as well.  I’m not just picking on the wives this time.

This is something both individuals need to change about themselves.  I could not imagine parting ways, God forbid, at 7 years because we were not good enough spouses to each other.

Your time should fly by in your marriage.  7 years should feel like a week.  The “honeymoon” phase should sustain through the lifetime together.  It is possible if you have the right attitude.  I’m not saying to be in la la land everyday.  That’s just naive with daily stresses and issues that interfere with our relationships.  However, every moment together is a blessing and should be treated that way.

So my advise for you is to start watching the clock. Make your marriage and your spouse your #1 priority.  The next time you want to waste time not being happy with your spouse or making him/her unhappy, don’t! Let the time fly by in bliss and treat each other right.  Take a few extra minutes to really look at your spouse, stare into his eyes, notice his/her features, compliment them, hold a hand tighter, kiss a little longer, hug harder and say Alhumdullilah!

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