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Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

 

Love is a verb.

 

I had the blessing to meet a wise and profound teacher this past Ramadan. She gave a beautiful talk on “Surviving Marriage.” With her permission, I present to my lovely readers notes from that talk. I apologize if they seem confusing at all or incomplete. She spoke perfectly. I typed imperfectly. Enjoy!

“Marriage is a new opportunity, an elevator and a door to bring you closer to your Lord. Take advantage of it.”

SURVIVING MARRIAGE TIPS:

1. Do not erase all boundaries between you. Remember to retain the most delicate whisper of formality. It will help you to continue to interact with respect (since he is a separate human being to you)….YOU set the tone from the beginning of marriage.

2. Remember, when he is selfish, obnoxious or harsh, that Allah placed him in your care, to love, to forgive and to care for. Remember, all the times he was loving, forgiving, or caring for you, especially important to remember when he is acting in a way outside of norm).

We have a tendency as women to forget the good things people do for us…

We as women don’t allow different kinds of love from our men…paying the bills, getting you gas, changing your tires…those are his flowers to you.

Quotable quote: “Cut up the paid electricity bills into a bouquet, put them in a vase, and imagine them as flowers for you from your husband.”

3. Do you have the gift of reading in between the lines? Then you must know that angry outbursts mean “I miss you, I feel neglected and ignored.” Respond to what is meant, not what is said. Reassure him.

Majority of time these outbursts are because women are not sexually available to their husbands.

***Remember that intimacy is an act of worship in Islam. A woman has a built-in ability to receive attentiveness. A man does not and rejection can shatter his self-esteem and lead him to wrong. Therefore, in Islam a woman is responding and responsive.

*Sexual rejection for men hurts them so much and in such a way that they can’t relate it to us.

Haram acts in Islam…avoid completely:
**Pornography is not accepted for any reason. It needs to be addressed and taken care of immediately.

**Oral sex is not permissible.

**Anal sex is not permissible.

4. Remember when you have an argument or fight, that Allah asked you to say what is best, not what is fair, nor what is right.

Words can be said in a certain way, state, and tone. Be mindful of these things.

FIGURE YOUR HUSBAND OUT as best as you can and how to “manage” him accordingly.

5. For a successful marriage, quickly develop one of the most essential ingredients:  a sense of humor. It will save your sanity and diffuse explosive situations. Learn to laugh at yourself. Think of your issues as part of a sitcom to help deal with them.

6. Remember that the ambience of the home may not be your duty, but it is strictly within your power and control. Make it angel-friendly. Clean, pick up, perfume it and light your house up with Quran. A house that has angels in it, is a house that is peaceful. Remember that Angel Jibreel would only
descend in Aisha’s house, which was known for exquisite cleanliness.

7. Remember to keep his faults from your family, you can forgive and forget, but they may not.

8. Do not take time, attention or money that rightfully belongs to his family away from them. It will have no barakah in it if you do. If you are lucky, you will feel close and loving to them. If it is a struggle, you get more reward. Never begrudge him, the time he spends with them.

A man who is loyal to his first family is a man you can trust with his second family.

If it’s a struggle you get rewarded more. (In this life, in the next, or what goes around comes around).

-if he is good to his mother, he will be good to you. You want him to be loyal to his family.

9. Remember that every relationship including this one is a triangle, with Allah at the top. If you obey your husband, it is Allah that you are obeying. If he lashes out at you, perhaps it is a message from Allah for something you did, unrelated to him.

10. Remember he is incomplete and unhappy without your admiration and inner praise of him. He needs you to look up to him, to believe in his ability to do things, to remind him of all the good that he is and does.

11. Remember when he seems to be the answer to all your prayers and dreams and more….he was actually sent to you to be loved, but only Allah is to be attached to. Remember in your happiest moments to feel gratitude to Allah.

12. Remember to be gentle, patient, understanding, motherly on the inside and playful on the outside. If he matters too much to you, he will be capable of hurting you. If Allah matters more to you, then all your husband’s faults will run off your skin like water off a glossy leaf.

Most importantly, remember to be yourself!

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Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.

Ramadan Kareem!

I pray you are in the best of health and iman this Ramadan insha Allah.

We all know the rewards this month are great for the fasters and believers and worshippers but what about all the husbands and wives out there? There doesn’t seem to be much discussion or reminders of what marriage is like in Ramadan….like a test.

The days are long, hot, and tiring. You are cranky, exhausted, hungry, sleep-deprived and have bad breath. It’s easy to take your frustrations out on your spouse during these days. But you have to remember that being a good spouse is an act of worship and the rewards are greatly increased in Ramadan.

So here’s how to make the most of your marriage during this blessed month and reap many extra rewards insha Allah:

Bismillah.

1. Be patient. This may seem the most obvious point but is also one of the hardest. Sometimes we are the nicest and most patient with everyone else BUT our spouse. Be more mindful of how you treat your significant other and know he/she is going through the same thing as you. So be nice to each other especially while you’re fasting.

2. Those that pray together stay together. Spend time making du’a together. Join together in supplication and it will bring your hearts closer. Ask Allah, and you shall receive.

3. Don’t fikhir do dhikr. Remember Allah and do salawat on the Prophet (SAW). It will calm your hearts.

4. The masjid. Encourage your husband to pray as many prayers of the day in the mosque including the fard prayers and tarawih. He will bring the barakah back into the house and you will receive the reward. This encouragement should be happening even out of Ramadan as well. Many times we expect them to stay home for iftar and dinner and miss maghrib in the masjid. Push for him to break fast and pray maghrib, then come home to eat dinner with you. Also, encourage him to go for ithikaf during the last 10 days. Besides all the reward both of you will receive from it, the time apart will be good for both of you.

5. Make his favorite foods. The way to a man’s heart is definitely his stomach. Don’t slave the whole day over the stove and waste precious ibadah time. However, make some effort preparing or arranging some of his favorite foods. He will love you for it.

6. Qur’an competition. A healthy and encouraging little competition during the month is to see which spouse can read the most Qur’an in a day, week, and month.

7. Tahajjud and suhoor. Wake up early and pray tahujjud prayer together and then enjoy a nice meal together before dawn. Try not to talk but do make loving eye contact and just enjoy each other’s company and then again make du’a together.

8. Alone time. Trying to find alone time for each other is quite tricky this month. It’s highly important to reconnect and make time for each other. Don’t forget that intimacy is also an ibadah. 😉

9. Exception to the norm. Remember that this month is full of precious days. Don’t waste time and energy stressing on how things are not going as normal or as usual. Just make the most of it.

10. Use as an example. Also use this month and all your behavioral improvements, ibadah increases, spiritual development individually and collectively as a couple to continue through the rest of the year insha Allah.

Please remember your sister in Islam during this great month. Happy fasting and wife-ing.

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Muah

Boy, do I have a solution for you!

Did you know that kissing can save you money? According to Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker, kissing can prevent you from making unnecessary P.O.P.’s.

What are P.O.P.’s you ask?

A P.O.P. is a pissed-off purchase you make after having a fight with your spouse in order to seek sweet revenge and make yourself feel better.

In actuality, shopping releases a chemical called dopamine, which is supposed to promote bonding. This same chemical is released when you kiss your mate along with others such as oxytocin (calming chemical) and endorphins which put you in a good mood.

Now I know what you’re thinking. The last thing you want to do after a fight is kiss him. Shopping would probably make you feel way better. Right? Wrong. Not only are you going to waste time and money by avoiding the situation, you will only be giving yourself a temporary fix for your problems.

Instead, what you should do is just kiss and make-up.

Think about it. If you approach your man with your luscious lips after a fight, you will be doing some serious damage control. For starters, you aren’t avoiding him by going to the mall and prolonging the argument or hard feelings (not to mention saving money by not buying P.O.P’s). Secondly, you are willing to make amends quickly and smoothly. And of course with a nice passionate kiss, it will calm both your nerves down and relieve any unnecessary tension. Who knew?!

Just for kicks, here are some other great benefits of kissing I found recommended by SELF magazine:

-Kissing boosts immunity:  exchange in saliva causes your body to produce antibodies to fight foreign bacteria…mmm

-May ease allergies:  30 minutes of kissing can slow histamine production (histamine causes allergy symptoms such as sneezing and running nose)

-Healthy teeth:  kissing produces extra saliva which helps neutrilize decay-causing acids in the mouth

-A light workout:  you actually burn 6 calories/minute and use around 30 facial muscles with a nice passionate kiss

Try it for yourselves….ki$$ your hubby a little longer….trust me…it’s good for you 😉

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Ladies, be grateful for your husbands. They are great! And you know what? You have the best one of them all. Let me remind you in case you forgot:

Husband No. 1 by tight knot

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We all know that men are visual beings.  So you gotta keep yourself looking visually stimulating. Here’s a few things your man will definitely notice about you:

1. High heels. Strut your stuff in front of your hubby. Work it girl! There’s nothing wrong with wearing heels even in your house to get your man’s attention.

2. Form-fitting outfit. This is an obvious one but I mention it because some women don’t feel comfy wearing proper fitting clothes even in front of their hubbies. The key is to wear it with confidence. That’s what your man will notice more. Of course the outfit will help as well. 😉

3. Hair do. Straighten it, curl it, pin it, color it, style it, just do it! Those of us that cover, get super lazy about fixing up our hair on a regular basis. It’s a great asset. We should use it and he will notice the effort.

4. Accessorize. Accessories really complete an outfit and give you a very together look. Don’t hesitate to wear some nice jewelry to add some “umph” to you.

5. Freshen up your look. I would suggest putting on a little bit of make-up. If you are not big on make-up, then at least keep your skin soft and shiny with lotion and skin-care products. Also, keep your lips attractive and moist. Oh and floss and brush as much as possible. Even a little blush on the cheeks or light mascara can make you look fresher. You don’t have to do overdue it. Just approachable 🙂

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Do you wake up in Love?

Do you wake up in love with your spouse everyday?

Do you yearn to see each other at the end of the day?

Does the thought of your spouse give you butterflies in your stomach?

Does your heart race and ache for each other when you’re apart?

Does your spouse make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

Do you make each other laugh, smile, and giggle for no reason?

Do you get dressed up for each other?

Can you take your eyes off each other?

Can you keep your hands off each other?

Do you offer him/her the last bite?

Do you make the most of your time together?

Do you steal a kiss whenever possible?

Do you know how to make him/her melt?

Do you fall asleep in each others’ arms?

Can you imagine your life without him/her?

Do you hug and not want to let go?

Do you thank Allah everyday for your spouse?

Do you find sakoon (peace) within your spouse?

Do you go to bed in love?

If so, then say Alhumdullilah.

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SORRY FOR THE DELAY, FOLKS. THIS IS FOR MY LOVELY READERS WHO KEEP WANTING AND ASKING FOR MORE. MAY ALLAH PUT PEACE AND BLESSINGS IN ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS AMEEN. KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING. I APPRECIATE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT. ENJOY!

Before kids, married life is well…married life.

After kids, married life becomes a thing of the past?

No, not really.

The dynamic of marriage definitely does change after having kids, but it shouldn’t be put on the back burner.

So many couples become detached and distant once they become parents unfortunately. Why is that?

What happens is that so much energy gets put into the children and their betterment that the husband and wife forget how they started off:  just the two of them. The marriage sadly gets forgotten. Kids become the priority and the couple’s needs are left in the dark or neglected as a whole.

That should not be the case. Some way or another, the couple needs to keep their relationship first and striving and fresh. Here’s a few pointers:

1. Before the baby comes, discuss your expectations for your relationship with your spouse. Develop the understanding that although alone time will be limited, it will NOT be eliminated. Regardless of how tired or exhausted you are, you must make time for one another and that includes intimacy!

2. Take a break from parenting at least once or twice a month. Leave the baby/kids with family or trusted friends and have a date night. You don’t even have to go anywhere (although that would be refreshing and a nice change of scenery from the dirty diapers and endless array of toys). Just make an effort to be alone and reconnect.

3. Stay on the same page with your spouse when it comes to parenting and disciplining the kids. Always discuss with one another before making a decision for the little ones. (This is also a way kids can’t take advantage of one particular parent over the other).

4. Find other activities to do besides being with the kids. This is related to the first two points but I am directing it more to maintaining one’s individuality. This can even apply to marriage before kids. Continue to do things YOU like to do and not just what your spouse or kids want to do. Give time to yourself by reading, working out, going out with your friends/family, or whatever else you like to do on your own.

5. Share the load. Know that one parent can’t handle all the work so divide up the tasks and give each other a hand with the kids, chores, and errands.

6. Find the romance. Make an effort to keep relighting the spark even after kids. Maintain the freshness in your relationship by doing simple things to show your spouse “You are my world”.

7. Kids won’t fix your marriage. If you are having trouble in your marriage prior to kids, don’t have kids to resolve your issues. They will only add more issues to your marriage. Solidify your relationship first and don’t use kids to solve your problems.

8. A healthy, happy marriage means healthy, happy kids. Set an example for your rugrats by maintaining a great relationship with one another. If the marriage is in tact, so will the household be. (Also, avoid arguing in front of the kids even if it’s just a small “heated discussion”).

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