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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Playing the Blame Game in a marriage is very useless and dangerous.

One issue Baba Longbeard and I have never been able to resolve is who has the harder day. He says he did. I say I did. We happen to both be right.

However, regardless of how difficult or stressful my day is, it is not his fault. How could it be? He wasn’t there. He was out competing to have just as hard of a day if not harder.

You see it’s very easy to point fingers and say “You did this to me!”

But in reality how is that possible? If you choose to be home with the kids….wait…let me rephrase that….if you have the blessing to raise your kids then learn to enjoy that time with them. A stay-sane-must is to manage your time properly throughout the day. By keeping you and your kids on some kind of schedule, you will be able to handle the day-to-day better. It’s when we don’t know what to do with our time and our kids that we start going nuts.

When hubby walks in through the door at the end of the day almost deflated, the last thing you want to do is stomp all over him and release whatever air is left in him. Instead you should inflate him with understanding, affection, and compassion. Put him in a good mood right when he gets home. Make him and yourself forget (for at least the time being) how the day sucked and just enjoy each other’s company. Offer him a snack, a back rub, give him some time to catch his breath. Trust me he will appreciate it and you so much more and will do his best to return the sweetness. 

Even if your day was crummy and draining, make the most of the remaining of your day by welcoming the hubby with open arms. You set the tone of the atmosphere in your home. If you are happy, he will be too. 

Find other outlets to relieve your daily stresses instead of blaming your spouse for your problems. Take ownership of your choices, your decisions, and your life. Stop using your hubby or your marriage as an excuse not to take care of yourself and your needs. I’ve said it before, by making yourself a priority, you will have a better YOU to present to your family. If you want to continue your career along with running a house and family, then learn to balance it all. Whatever you decide to focus on whether it be your family, the house, furthering your education, do it right and do it well without blaming others (especially your man) for your shortcomings. A happy wife makes a happy life.

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One of my pet peeves is if Baba Longbeard walks into the house at the end of the day talking on his cell phone. Sometimes he ends up driving around a little longer to finish his conversations, because he knows it gets to me. 

That’s fine. He can be a little late as long as he is fully “there” when he comes home. 

I also prefer he leaves his work stress and issues at the door.  He can’t bring those frustrations in the house unless it’s affecting the family directly.

He didn’t magically figure out these things that bother me.  I obviously had to let him know (nicely of course).

What’s the reasoning behind such requests?  It’s simple.  I want to feel like I matter when Baba Longbeard comes home to me.

Shouldn’t I return that same feeling to him then?  Wouldn’t he want the same thing?  Wouldn’t he want to feel like he matters to me and the kids when he walks into the house?

He is out of the house all day giving his all to provide for us and keep a comfortable life for us alhumdullilah. When he comes in, he should feel super important.  The husband.  The father.  The man.

The kids should rush to the door to greet their father.  You should race with them and show them he’s just as important to you.  You should look presentable and smell welcoming.  He should feel “at home” and at peace when he gets in the house. He should want to come home to his family.  Your mood should be pleasant. 

If he leaves his workstress at the door, you should push your daily stresses aside as well when you see him.  It’s not his fault you had a hard day.  It’s ok if he didn’t pick up the milk on the way home.  He forgot.  It doesn’t mean he did it to piss you off or to spite you.  Enjoy the few hours you have together at the end of the day. 

Life is too short.  Be grateful you’re the someone he gets to come home to and make yourself worth being that someone he wants to come home to.

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I’ve touched upon this subject before, but I wanted to talk about it more in detail.

It’s an issue that I feel is disregarded or not given enough importance.  I don’t why that is.  I’m going to present a scenario that we all might be able to relate to.   I want you to comment on it if you can relate or see yourself ever acting like this.  Also share some of your thoughts with me.  Then I will present my thoughts and resolutions in a following post later in the week.

Exaggerated Scenario (let’s hope so):

Your husband calls you to let you know he is leaving work and on his way home.  You give him a few things to pick up on his way home and hang up abruptly because the kids are going crazy in the background.

You know how long his commute is and you think to yourself No problem. I’ve got time.   You continue to carry on with your normal routine.

Suddenly, it’s half an hour later and you are surprised to here the garage door open or the key rattling in the front door.  Already?  That was fast you think.  You still continue to carry on with your normal routine.

In walks the Mr. exhausted and drained from a long, stressful day earning for his family.  The house is a mess as usual and he finds some space to put his belongings down.  He announces himself in some manner.  No response.

He walks through the house in search of some sign of life.  He finds his first born sitting on the computer in the den doing his thing.  “Hey, Son. How was your day?”

The kid looks up for a brief second to say “Aight” and continues playing his video game online.

Oh good.  He at least noticed me thinks Daddy Dearest.

The Mr. heads over to the family room where his little girl is sitting watching TV.  “Hey, Sweety.  Daddy’s home.”

No response.   “Honey, Daddy’s here.”  His little girl doesn’t even blink.

Let’s see how the Mrs. is doing he thinks.

And there you are working hard in the kitchen.  “Hey how are you?” he asks.

“Did you bring the milk and eggs?” you ask without turning around to look at him holding the baby with one arm and stirring with the other hand.

“Oh shoot. I was talking to my buddy Adam on the drive home. I totally forgot.  I’ll run out in a bit to get…”

“You what?!”  Now you turn around to look at your beloved wearing your frumpy shirt and sweatpants from last night, hair all raggedy, smelling like fried onions and baby spit up.  “How could you forget?!” you scream.

He doesn’t know what to react to first.  Your words or your look.  So he stands speechless.

“I hardly ask you to do much and you can’t even do that!” you manage to get louder.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to forget.  I’ll run out right now then.” 

“Forget it now.  It’s dinnertime.  Go afterwards.”  You give him a hard stare and hand him “his baby” forcefully to get things set up for the meal.

You scream for the older kids to come eat.  They semi-acknowledge their father, make a plate, and take the grub back to the computer and TV.

The rest of the evening carries out in similar manners.  During the meal, most of your attention is towards feeding the baby.  But you still manage to relay how awful and stressful your day was and how you are so overwhelmed and complain to your husband that he does nothing for you guys. 

To top things off he doesn’t comment on the food.  He must have not liked it you think and you are more pissed now.

After dinner, he runs out to fetch the milk and eggs while you are left to clean up and put the food and dishes away.  You are more upset.  You don’t even bother asking the kids for help.  They have to get ready for bed.  You order them to get upstairs.

When the Mr. comes back, the downstairs is empty and the kids are already in bed and he didn’t get to say good night to them or spend any quality time with them.

He puts the grocery in the fridge and meets you in your bedroom.  You are in bed reading a book.  You know he is in the room but you don’t care to look at him or say anything.  You are still pissed at him.

He notices your mood and doesn’t say anything.  He changes and comes to bed.  You put your book away and get under the covers.  Lucky for you, you didn’t have to change for bed.  You were already wearing your comfy extra large stinky pj’s all day.  You lie with your back facing towards him.

He knows your upset but he decides to reconcile and fix the issue before going to bed.  He approaches you lovingly and asks you if you are still mad trying to make some type of physical contact with you.

You know what his intention is and keep brushing him off.  He better not even think about touching me you think.  After a lot of attitude and avoiding too much eye contact, almost no physical contact and talking like you are irritated because he should know how you feel, you tell him you are very tired and just want to go to sleep.  You turn back over and quickly fake to fall asleep.

Not only lights out but the fire is put out too….

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As we are driving on a long roadtrip, Baba Longbeard sincerely makes an effort to hold my hand as much as possible.

I actually don’t even think about it much.  He puts his hand forward, and I place my hand in his.  That’s as much PDA as I can get from him.

However, the latter half of the roadtrip, Baba Longbeard kept both hands on the wheel.  It had become second nature for me to do things with only my right hand while I held his hand with my left.  I finally noticed this change in behavior when I could blow my nose with both hands.

Wait a minute.  Why is he not holding my hand anymore?

Oh. Right.  His sister was in the car now.  Baba Longbeard chooses to  keep his distance from me if anyone is around.  That’s always bothered me.  And it’s always been a bit of a joke between us.  He claims that I am all about the public display of affection but in private I’m a snoozeball.  I choose to disagree. 

Anyways getting back to my point.  🙂  It always gets to me that he chooses not to associate with me in public.  I don’t know why but it does.  However, I get it and I respect Baba Longbeard’s wishes.

Even when we take pictures we stand a good few inches apart.  That’s just our thing.  Baba Longbeard doesn’t see the need to show others how much we mean to each other.  We are not a “show” he says.  It’s us and he wants to keep us private.  Often times couples are too busy trying to look lovey dovey in front of others and behind closed doors they can’t stand each other.

Alright alright.  Here’s my advice for today.  Respect your husband’s wishes and if he is not big on PDA, then deal with it.  Hey, I do it.

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We are about to head out of the house.

I look over to Baba Longbeard.

“Can you pass me my socks?  They are right behind you on the floor.”

He turns around and takes a look at them.  I can tell he is grossed out.  He grabs them with his toes and kicks them over to me.  Then he does a body shake to “release” any possible germs that might have jumped on him from my socks.

“They are not dirty!  I wore them for like 5 minutes.  How do you think I react whenever I pick up your definitely foul socks everyday from every room in the house??!!!”

Baba Longbeard laughs and avoids the question.

So typical for him to find something gross about me which I overlook about him all the time.

That’s just the thing though. 

Guys prefer a girl that is…well…a girl.  Can you believe it?  Shocking!  I know.

So what does that mean for us?  Well regardless whether we want to be girly or not, our men prefer us that way.  I’m not saying all the time we have to be dressed to impress or act completely feminine but some things we can avoid all together.

1. Don’t intentionally fart in front of your man.  Eww…what’s wrong with you?

2. Don’t engulf your food and eat like a cow.

3. Don’t burp the alphabet.

4. Don’t use the bathroom in front of him. There is a door and a lock for a reason!

5. Don’t scratch yourself indecently.

6. Please do not pick your nose in search of treasure in front of him.

7. Remove the eye crusties privately before you look at him in the morning.

8. Wear deodorant and perfume.

9. Wash your hair.

10. Walk like a lady.  Woah woah woah.

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Alright.  We are going in…into the bedroom.

Take a look around.  What’s in there?  You can’t even tell because it’s so messy!

Yikes!

Well then what should a bedroom be?

It shouldn’t be a garbage dump or a toy chest.  It shouldn’t be crowded or full of clutter.  It shouldn’t be reeking of foul smells.

The bedroom should be a sactuary.  It should be welcoming and inviting, relaxing and comfortable, full of sweet scents and warm colors.  It should have a slightly feminine touch with soft fabrics, fresh aromatherapy, and a floral influence.

There should be a sense of peace and tranquility in the room.  Don’t hold back from buying nice beautiful linens and comforters for your bed.  Use scented candles and oil-dipped incense.  Arrange pillows for extra cushioning and put up meaningful wall-hangings as daily reminders of the love that exists in your room.

Ok, enough with the sappiness.  Here’s the real deal.  Aside from all the wonderful things I’ve listed above, the one thing I can definitely tell you NOT to have in your bedroom is a TV. 

You want to end your day with each other, not some strangers on the tube.  If the kids fall asleep early, you can actually take some time to talk and catch up on your day or have some peace and quiet. 

The TV is a big distraction that can be avoided in a marriage and especially in the bedroom.  It should not be how your husband “unwinds.”  YOU should be his method of unwinding.  Make the evening pleasant for him as well the home and the bedroom.  And to all a good night! 

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Ooo this is a tough topic to talk about.  It rubs all us ladies the wrong way.  Hehehe.

Why is that though?  Why do we all have issues when our men want some time to themselves?  They must really want to get away from us and/or the kids huh?  No!  That’s definitely not it.

In my last blog, I talked about the need to make time for yourselves.  It is a key way to stay sane.  Well there you have it.  Why is it a double standard then when our men want the same thing?

I know what you’re thinking.  If you both work, then you are just as tired as him.  You want to make the most of whatever time you two do have.  So that you can always be together outside of work.  Or if you are a homemaker and been home taking care of the house and kids all day and he tells you he has plans of his own….how dare he!  “Doesn’t he know what I’ve gone through all day?!”  Well do you know what he’s beein through all day?  He’s been working his tush off all day making sure you can have the luxury to stay home and spend time with the kiddies.

Did you forget that you had fallen in love with Mr. Got-It-Going-On?  He was the man when you met him.  After marriage, he barely has time to go back to all those things you loved about him:  how involved he was in the community, how athletic he was, how out-going he was, yada yada yada.

So why has he become Mr. Got-Nothing-Going-On now ever since you came in the picture?  Look a little time away never hurt anyone.  It will only make you appreciate it each other more.  There is a lot of compromise and sacrifice involved in marriage, but as I said before, we shouldn’t forget who we are or who we were.

If you are insecure that your husband has other things to do, that’s not his fault.  You should be the same way.  At least once a week or every other week, each of you should have an evening or afternoon to do your own thing.  If your husband gives you advance notice of his plans, then you should have enough time to find something nice for yourself to do as well.  Waiting around at home for him is not going to help your mood or your time. 

Get a life and let your hubby have one too!

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