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Who knew on this day you would be born for me?

Who knew the distance of 7,000 miles would not keep you apart from me?

Who knew 20 years after my first breath, you would take my breath away from me?

Who knew the one man my father didn’t want for me would be the one that truly cared for me?

Who knew that when he was sick, you’d love him even more than me?

Who knew that when my mother was alone, you’d open our home so she can be close to me?

Who knew this light you carry would be a guidance for me?

Who knew your smile would be a melting point for me?

Who knew your touch would be a freezing point for me?

Who knew your voice would soften every nerve within me?

Who knew you were destined for me?

No one knew except the One who had written you for me and I thank Him so deeply.

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Love is a verb.

 

I had the blessing to meet a wise and profound teacher this past Ramadan. She gave a beautiful talk on “Surviving Marriage.” With her permission, I present to my lovely readers notes from that talk. I apologize if they seem confusing at all or incomplete. She spoke perfectly. I typed imperfectly. Enjoy!

“Marriage is a new opportunity, an elevator and a door to bring you closer to your Lord. Take advantage of it.”

SURVIVING MARRIAGE TIPS:

1. Do not erase all boundaries between you. Remember to retain the most delicate whisper of formality. It will help you to continue to interact with respect (since he is a separate human being to you)….YOU set the tone from the beginning of marriage.

2. Remember, when he is selfish, obnoxious or harsh, that Allah placed him in your care, to love, to forgive and to care for. Remember, all the times he was loving, forgiving, or caring for you, especially important to remember when he is acting in a way outside of norm).

We have a tendency as women to forget the good things people do for us…

We as women don’t allow different kinds of love from our men…paying the bills, getting you gas, changing your tires…those are his flowers to you.

Quotable quote: “Cut up the paid electricity bills into a bouquet, put them in a vase, and imagine them as flowers for you from your husband.”

3. Do you have the gift of reading in between the lines? Then you must know that angry outbursts mean “I miss you, I feel neglected and ignored.” Respond to what is meant, not what is said. Reassure him.

Majority of time these outbursts are because women are not sexually available to their husbands.

***Remember that intimacy is an act of worship in Islam. A woman has a built-in ability to receive attentiveness. A man does not and rejection can shatter his self-esteem and lead him to wrong. Therefore, in Islam a woman is responding and responsive.

*Sexual rejection for men hurts them so much and in such a way that they can’t relate it to us.

Haram acts in Islam…avoid completely:
**Pornography is not accepted for any reason. It needs to be addressed and taken care of immediately.

**Oral sex is not permissible.

**Anal sex is not permissible.

4. Remember when you have an argument or fight, that Allah asked you to say what is best, not what is fair, nor what is right.

Words can be said in a certain way, state, and tone. Be mindful of these things.

FIGURE YOUR HUSBAND OUT as best as you can and how to “manage” him accordingly.

5. For a successful marriage, quickly develop one of the most essential ingredients:  a sense of humor. It will save your sanity and diffuse explosive situations. Learn to laugh at yourself. Think of your issues as part of a sitcom to help deal with them.

6. Remember that the ambience of the home may not be your duty, but it is strictly within your power and control. Make it angel-friendly. Clean, pick up, perfume it and light your house up with Quran. A house that has angels in it, is a house that is peaceful. Remember that Angel Jibreel would only
descend in Aisha’s house, which was known for exquisite cleanliness.

7. Remember to keep his faults from your family, you can forgive and forget, but they may not.

8. Do not take time, attention or money that rightfully belongs to his family away from them. It will have no barakah in it if you do. If you are lucky, you will feel close and loving to them. If it is a struggle, you get more reward. Never begrudge him, the time he spends with them.

A man who is loyal to his first family is a man you can trust with his second family.

If it’s a struggle you get rewarded more. (In this life, in the next, or what goes around comes around).

-if he is good to his mother, he will be good to you. You want him to be loyal to his family.

9. Remember that every relationship including this one is a triangle, with Allah at the top. If you obey your husband, it is Allah that you are obeying. If he lashes out at you, perhaps it is a message from Allah for something you did, unrelated to him.

10. Remember he is incomplete and unhappy without your admiration and inner praise of him. He needs you to look up to him, to believe in his ability to do things, to remind him of all the good that he is and does.

11. Remember when he seems to be the answer to all your prayers and dreams and more….he was actually sent to you to be loved, but only Allah is to be attached to. Remember in your happiest moments to feel gratitude to Allah.

12. Remember to be gentle, patient, understanding, motherly on the inside and playful on the outside. If he matters too much to you, he will be capable of hurting you. If Allah matters more to you, then all your husband’s faults will run off your skin like water off a glossy leaf.

Most importantly, remember to be yourself!

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Salaam my dear, loyal readers and welcome to all you new readers! Sorry for being MIA. I guess I’ve just been busy being married which means there must be some depth to what my blabbering is all about on this blog. 😉

So Husbands, here are some FYI’s that surprisingly your wives will find super sexy and attractive about you. I heard these on the radio today…take notes and let me know how it goes 😉

10. He talks to her in his bedroom voice in public.

9. He prepares his will, because he wants to make sure his family will be taken care of properly after he’s gone.

8. He has a welcoming sense of humor and gets her humor.

7. He takes off his work shirt and has the right man sweat smell resonating from him.

6. He is fierce and wild when it comes to intimacy. (Clear throat).

5. He throws out his old undies and sports new ones just for her.

 Exhibit A

4. He starts working out and eating better to live a longer and healthier fit life.

3. He puts family finances before personal needs.

2. He can carry an intelligent conversation with anyone, anywhere, anytime. (Ohhhhhh yaaaaaa….This is my fav).

And drumroll please……

1. He admits it when he is wrong and apologizes sincerely. (Ok maybe this one too).

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Ladies, be grateful for your husbands. They are great! And you know what? You have the best one of them all. Let me remind you in case you forgot:

Husband No. 1 by tight knot

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Step It Up

The other day I was kid-free for a whole 45 minutes. That’s right for-tee-five minutos! What did I do you ask?

There was SO much I could have done. You know 45 minutes is a long time in mom-years. There was also the option of doing nothing. However, I wanted to do at least something. Moments like this are rare.

So I drove to the nearest coffee shop, grabbed a book I’ve been trying to finish for over a month, plopped my bee-hind on a cozy couch and just read. Yup. That’s it. And you know what? That was more than enough to juvenate me for the rest of the week.

All it took was a few minutes of me time to get me through the next few days. That my friends is one of the first simple steps towards a happy marriage.

#1. Own your own happiness. We’ve talked about this before. As women we always have so much on our plate, and yet we seem to remain hungry. Hungry in the sense of wanting more…more free time, more relaxing time, more sane time….whatever. Unless you take matters into your own hands and prioritize yourself first, you won’t reach happiness. Yes, in a marriage both partners should give, give, give to the other and take less less less. But it’s ok to take a break every now and then and catch your breath. Sigh. Go ahead. You should try it some time.

#2. Compliment more than complain. Believe it or not men like to be appreciated, noticed, and recognized as well. We might like the sweet compliments coming at us 24/7 but for men it’s not words that do the trick. It’s simple gestures and actions that show them we care about them. Instead of offering a list full of complaints, you simply give him gentle kisses and tell him how he means to you. By doing so, you might just end up forgetting what you wanted to complain about in the first place. 😉

#3. Spend time apart. Ever hear distance makes the hearts grow fonder? So true! This step can also be intertwined with #1. Nevertheless, at least once or twice a week, plan separate activities after work or on weekends. Too much of something is not good either. By being apart every now and then you can refresh your marriage.

#4. Flirt. No not with someone else….with your hubby! Find that charm and win over your man all over again. You can even try smiling…trust me…it works.

#5. Don’t go to bed angry. Ah my favorite. You avoid this and a huge chunk of your problems will be solved. I’ve discussed this in previous posts. Don’t bring your problems into bed with you. You will be cheating on your marriage then. Make the bed your safe haven and source of removing stress not adding it. You can thank me later…

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Do you wake up in Love?

Do you wake up in love with your spouse everyday?

Do you yearn to see each other at the end of the day?

Does the thought of your spouse give you butterflies in your stomach?

Does your heart race and ache for each other when you’re apart?

Does your spouse make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

Do you make each other laugh, smile, and giggle for no reason?

Do you get dressed up for each other?

Can you take your eyes off each other?

Can you keep your hands off each other?

Do you offer him/her the last bite?

Do you make the most of your time together?

Do you steal a kiss whenever possible?

Do you know how to make him/her melt?

Do you fall asleep in each others’ arms?

Can you imagine your life without him/her?

Do you hug and not want to let go?

Do you thank Allah everyday for your spouse?

Do you find sakoon (peace) within your spouse?

Do you go to bed in love?

If so, then say Alhumdullilah.

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SORRY FOR THE DELAY, FOLKS. THIS IS FOR MY LOVELY READERS WHO KEEP WANTING AND ASKING FOR MORE. MAY ALLAH PUT PEACE AND BLESSINGS IN ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS AMEEN. KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING. I APPRECIATE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT. ENJOY!

Before kids, married life is well…married life.

After kids, married life becomes a thing of the past?

No, not really.

The dynamic of marriage definitely does change after having kids, but it shouldn’t be put on the back burner.

So many couples become detached and distant once they become parents unfortunately. Why is that?

What happens is that so much energy gets put into the children and their betterment that the husband and wife forget how they started off:  just the two of them. The marriage sadly gets forgotten. Kids become the priority and the couple’s needs are left in the dark or neglected as a whole.

That should not be the case. Some way or another, the couple needs to keep their relationship first and striving and fresh. Here’s a few pointers:

1. Before the baby comes, discuss your expectations for your relationship with your spouse. Develop the understanding that although alone time will be limited, it will NOT be eliminated. Regardless of how tired or exhausted you are, you must make time for one another and that includes intimacy!

2. Take a break from parenting at least once or twice a month. Leave the baby/kids with family or trusted friends and have a date night. You don’t even have to go anywhere (although that would be refreshing and a nice change of scenery from the dirty diapers and endless array of toys). Just make an effort to be alone and reconnect.

3. Stay on the same page with your spouse when it comes to parenting and disciplining the kids. Always discuss with one another before making a decision for the little ones. (This is also a way kids can’t take advantage of one particular parent over the other).

4. Find other activities to do besides being with the kids. This is related to the first two points but I am directing it more to maintaining one’s individuality. This can even apply to marriage before kids. Continue to do things YOU like to do and not just what your spouse or kids want to do. Give time to yourself by reading, working out, going out with your friends/family, or whatever else you like to do on your own.

5. Share the load. Know that one parent can’t handle all the work so divide up the tasks and give each other a hand with the kids, chores, and errands.

6. Find the romance. Make an effort to keep relighting the spark even after kids. Maintain the freshness in your relationship by doing simple things to show your spouse “You are my world”.

7. Kids won’t fix your marriage. If you are having trouble in your marriage prior to kids, don’t have kids to resolve your issues. They will only add more issues to your marriage. Solidify your relationship first and don’t use kids to solve your problems.

8. A healthy, happy marriage means healthy, happy kids. Set an example for your rugrats by maintaining a great relationship with one another. If the marriage is in tact, so will the household be. (Also, avoid arguing in front of the kids even if it’s just a small “heated discussion”).

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